Funny Real Courtroom Quotations

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
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* Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
* Witness: "I only have one, you know."
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* Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
* Witness: "By death."
* Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
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* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
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The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
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* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
* Witness: "July 15th."
* Lawyer: "What year?"
* Witness: "Every year."
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* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
* Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
* Witness: "'Winchester'!"
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* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
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* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
* Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
* Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
* Witness: "Er...his face."
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* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
* Witness: "I forget."
* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
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* Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
* Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
* Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
* Witness: "Forty-five years."
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* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
* Witness: "My name is Susan."
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* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
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* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
* Witness: "After the accident?"
* Lawyer: "Before the accident."
* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
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* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
* Witness: "Yes, sir."
* Lawyer: "What did she say?"
* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
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* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
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* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
* Officer: "Yes, I do."
* Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
* Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
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* Lawyer: "What happened then?"
* Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
* Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
* Witness: "No."
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* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
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* Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
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* Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
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* Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
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* Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
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* Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
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* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
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* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
* Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
* Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
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* Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
* Witness: "That's me."
* Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
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* Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
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* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
* Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
* Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
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* Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
* Witness: "Four times."
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* Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
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* Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
* Witness: "None."
* Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
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* Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
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* Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
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* Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
* Witness: "Not yet."
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* Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
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* Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
* Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
* Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
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* Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
* Witness: "Borofkin."
* Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
* Witness: "I can't remember."
* Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
* Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
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* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
* Witness: "No."
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* Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
* Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
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* Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
* Witness: "Fair."
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* Lawyer: "Are you married?"
* Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
* Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
* Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
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* Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
* Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
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* Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
* Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
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* Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
* Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
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* Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
* Witness: "Yes sir."
* Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
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* Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
* Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
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* The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
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* Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
* Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
* Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
* Witness: "Attached to the ears."
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* Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
* Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
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* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
* Witness: "Oral."
* Lawyer: "How old are you?"
* Witness: "Oral."
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* Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
* Witness: "She is my daughter."
* Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
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* Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
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* Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
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* Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
* Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
* Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
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* Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
* Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
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* Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
* Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
* Lawyer: "It was covered?"
* Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
* Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
* Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
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* Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
* Witness: "I could see his head."
* Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
* Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
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* Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
* Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
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* Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
* Witness: "The victim lived."
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* Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
* Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
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* Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
* Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Theory of Honor Killing!!!!

It was a self realization time after reading some motivational stuff. It read that i have great un-utilised hidden potential.So far i have used less than 10% of my real talent. It is really wastage of resources. Now, i decide that I will use each n every penny of my talent. So first thing.. i make a roadmap to use this so called powerful mind. "I will analyse and formulate a model for all d existing problem of the country".

Suddenly I hear avoice frm my frnd dat donn get marry in sme gotra otherwise .......??"""...ohh why sudnt i start wid dis problem.....

so thus first time im using my all skills n knowledge aquired from iit.

Theory of Honor Killing!!!!

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way,

the honor of our society can be as low as the least honored person(love couple). 'Excessive Interference of KHAPS', as we know, kills lovers. But naturally, it attacks the least honored and weakest lover first. In this way, regular killing of lovers eliminates the lesser honored, making the society full of honored place. "That's why you always feel so honored after killing few pair of lovers(couples)."

I love her but I'm just too shy!!!

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.




Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.


A Few Years Later
That girl is getting married now. I watched her getting married and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" with tears in her eyes. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.











Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

10 REASONS WHY I LIKE STARTUPS

1) The People - A real entrepreneur has a story, an ora and a passion(s)! he is an interesting person by his very nature. Entrepreneurs are unique in that they are limited only by determination and imagination not money or environment.

2) The Process - Building teams with vision and drive has got to be one of the most rewarding experiences. Leveraging knowledge from a group breeds a larger vision and more market opportunities.

3) The Fix - In startups, you can recognize a problem today and have it fixed by tomorrow, try doing that at Microsoft.

4) The Network - Entrepreneurs hire entrepreneurs, they are resourceful, crafty and creative, throw them all in one room long enough and they WILL find a way to make it work.

5) The Ambition - skills can be taught but ambition is contagious. Doing your best 150% of the time is par for the course at a great startup.

6) The MacGyver in Everyone - While most companies are full of Captain Mo, yours is full of MacGyvers (Minus the mullets). Give your team a locked safe, a toothpick and a shoe string and watch them go!

7) The Money - There usually isn't any, so it's obvious everyone is there because they want to be and not because they have to be. This brings out the best in your team.

8) The Learning - Startups are a crash course in business. College is great but this is the real deal.

9) The Camaraderie - You find out who you can really count on when your back is against the wall.

10) The FUN! - Startups are an emotional rollercoaster but are serious fun. I have experienced more personal growth in 2 months in a startup than in 4 years of college.

Forced Forward mails....

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain
letters to me in 2006 & 2007 & 2008 & 2009.

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone
will
drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phon! e for fear that they may ask me to
dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from with calls to
Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will
get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my
kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about7,000 times. (Poor girl!
she's been 7 since 1993...)!

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated
in their sp ecial e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for
a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to
transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana,
Tirupathi Balaji pics etc… now most of those 'Wishes' are already
married
(to someone else)

apaka pana dost(ur frnd)

about me..................

I Would call my self a lion in the cage or rather a complete zoo !
There are so many animals/birds in this zoo encaged in one or other kind of prison
I m a poet BUT don't possess a collection to show (i write them n somehow manage to lose them,But i rmbr i wrote my first poem based on an Ogden Nash poem way back when i was in 8th standard)
I m a good sportsman BUT can't produce many certificates to show that(may be i don't play for those!)
I m genius at studies BUT for most of part of my life i have been second(but they say toppers are never genius)
I know i can do anything BUT i m too lazy to start anything
I m above religion BUT somehow obsessed with being a jat
I know the truth BUT i m silent
I m brave BUT can't converse too many stories of that(maybe didn't get opportunity to showcase my bravery)
I m an altruist BUT can't advertise my acts
They call me Jr B BUT i m too modest to accept that..
I have feelings BUT i don't have words or sometime desire to express them
I m a philospher BUT i m confused
i know one day all these cages of BUT will break and all these animals/birds within me will be free
YE SAB BAKWAS THA ,MAMU BANA RAHA THA

well that was it from a very straight man who wants to have fun n enjoy his life BUT...

frm dudi..[:P]

जन गण मन रण

Censor Board of Film Certification (CBFC) decided to refuse permission under guideline 219 of Section 5 (b)2 of Cinematograph Act as well as Prevention of insult to National Honour Act 1971 the makers of Amitabh Bachchan-starrer 'Rann' to air the controversial song based on the national anthem.

But Ramu has his own reasons to belive.."this song isn't and shouldn't be misconstrued to be an aberration on the National Anthem. It's a song by itself that in a way tries to depict the current situation in the country. The reference to the National Anthem is also for the same."

Leave apart these two versions of story and you should decide your own about it. I am posting the lyrics of the controversial song.

गण मन रण है इस रण में,
ज़ख्मी भारत का भाग्यविधाता।


पंजाब सिंधु गुजरात मराठा,
इक दूसरे से लड़ के मर रहे हैं।


इस देश ने हम को एक किया और हम देश के टुकड़े कर रहे,
द्राविड़ उत्कल बंगा।


खून बहा कर एक रंग का कर दिया हमने तिरंगा,
सरहदों पे जंग और गलियों में फसाद रंगा।


विंद हिमाचल यमुना गंगा,
में तेज़ाब उबल रहा है|


मर गया सबका ज़मीर,
जाने कब ज़िंदा हो आगे।


फिर भी तब शबनम में जागे,
तव शुभ आशीष माँगे।


आग में जल कर चीख रहा है फिर भी कोई नहीं बचाता,
गाहे तव जय गाथा।


देश का ऐसा हाल है लेकिन,
आपस में लड़ रहे नेता।


जन गण मंगलदायक जय हे,
भारत को बचा ले विधाता।


जय हे या ये मरण है,
जन गण मन रण है।